Are You Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse Tomorrow?

 For those of you who haven't heard the news, Christian radio broadcaster and president of Family Radio Harold Camping has used complex biblical numerology to determine that the rapture is tomorrow.  I am a little off topic here, but I figure since, according to Camping, most of us will be ghosts in the next few months it is a more ghostly topic than most may think. Thousands of Campings followers have sold all their worldly possessions and abadoned their families to prepare for the end of times.   According to Camping,  only 200,000 people will be raptured tomorrow.  Only the most loyal will be taken to heaven.  As for the rest of us, he is pretty specific in what we can expect.  We will all have to survive hell on earth until October 21st when the world will end.   In the New York Times Camping said:

"When the clock says about 6 p.m., there’s going to be this tremendous earthquake that’s going to make the last earthquake in Japan seem like nothing in comparison. And the whole world will be alerted that Judgment Day has begun. And then it will follow the sun around for 24 hours. As each area of the world gets to that point of 6 p.m. on May 21, then it will happen there, and until it happens, the rest of the world will be standing far off and witnessing the horrible thing that is happening."

What is the next horrible thing, you may ask?  Many believe it will be zombies.  The CDC issued an alert (CDC officials claimed in the New York Times it was only to draw attention to their hurricane preparedness plan, but I think they know the zombies are coming) on their blog.   The CDC blog is titled Zombie Preparedness 101.  .  The CDC isn't alone.  I found this sign on The Frog Queen's blog:

So, in order to help all my readers prepare for the zombies that will probably start flooding our streets on Sunday, I have taken some tips from The Zombie Survival Guide, the CDC, and from my fading zombie blog to help you put off becoming a ghost and survive Sunday's zombie hoard.   Of course, Camping could be wrong.   He was wrong when he predicted the end in 1994, but it is better to be safe than sorry with these types of things.  

1. Always have a pack prepared with all the supplies you need in case you have to run.  Don't forget food, water, water purification supplies, lots of ammo, and blunt objects.  The CDC recommends you have the following items in your emergency preparedness kit:
•Water (1 gallon per person per day)

•Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
•Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
•Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
•Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
•Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
•Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
•First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

2.  Always use bludgeoning tools before guns when possible when facing a zombie.  Ammo will run out quickly and you'll never run out of bullets with an axe.

3. Avoid cities and towns.   When the people start dying, urban areas will be flooded with zombies. Find someplace remote where people didn't go much in life.

4.  Travel on foot when possible.  Roads will become backed up and traffic accidents and fires will draw the zombie hoard.   Walk quietly in the woods and avoid notice.

5.  Drink Trappist Ales.  I hear they repel zombies and they'll dull the pain if you are eaten alive.  I know I want to be drunk if I'm going to be disemboweled.

I hope all of you have a happy rapture day tomorrow and survive the zombie hoard on Sunday!  You know, I just realized my advice was go into the woods with guns and weapons and drink lots of beer.  Keeping that in mind, make sure people are dead before you shoot them or hit them.  Enjoy!


Pam Morris said…
thanks so much for the additional tips...appreciate it, Jessica! hopefully, I'll be seeing ya' on the 22nd....hehe
Tim Kent said…
It ain't nothing for me to whoop a Zombie's ass.
LOL!! That made my day.

I really wish I had come up with a beer that repels zombies!!!

Wonder how vodka works....I am going to give that a try.

Jeffery said…
Was that Greenwich Mean Time or Universal Mean Time?..Pacific?...Damn!..Ang on a Mo!..It's already the 21st Downunder!..Oh Bugger!..Where do I get "I Slept Thru the Rapture" T-shirts!
Good one mate!..Zombie love!
Aurora Smith said…
haha. I would go to that church. Hillarious.
Courtney Mroch said…
This has now become my most favorite post of yours to date. Friggin' hysterical! I'm doomed however. Totally unprepared for Rapture, Zombies, much less my neighborhod's yard sale tomorrow. If it all ends, it's been super reading your work. ;)
Anonymous said…
ha ha, i heard this too! craaaaaazy, huh, but thanks for the tips! i wasn't prepared until now, lol.
laughingwolf said…
lol... i have some zombie fun on my page, too ;)
Wait, what? That explains everything!!! Incidently; I have been 'Raptured' and am not here. Nor are the rest of you, by the way! LOL! I heard about just this past week!

Gotta run. Need to begin calling around. HE HEE! Excellent post; Jessica!
Jum said…
Exactly what part of its "Mission and Vision Statement"* (eye roll) is the CDC fulfilling in issuing its "Zombie Survival Guide"? What possible justification do they have for acting like teenagers? Forget that they're several years late to the party, and this has been done to death, they have a responsibility to act like adults.

Or am I being a killjoy? Should I lighten up? Yeah, we should probably have NASA do a reality show from the International Space Shuttle, call it "Jersey Space": Snooki and The Situation in the howwwwwwzzzzze! Or we could let the US Nuclear Regulatory Commission do a YouTube upload titled "Funniest Nagasaki Crispy Critters". Think of the hits! Heck let's have Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary produce a show on "25 Most Violent Prison Rapes". Maybe a limited demographic, but within it the numbers should be through the roof!

Better yet, let the Secret Service and the White House combine with the State of Texas in turning the State Book Depository and Dealey Plaza in Dallas into a public attraction with a you-are-there live re-enactment/video game, complete with scope-mounted 6.5mm Carcano carbine. For $20 the player gets to stand in Lee Harvey's spot, aiming his exact type of rifle at the actual assassination spot, where we'll have a hi-def video overlay of the Presidential motorcade. Highest-scoring players get to see a big chunk of skull fly off! Yeeeeehaaaawww!

Now, were this a civilian blogger, s/he should knock her/himself out 'cause this is what the internet was made for. Private businesses? Hey, do whatever the heck you wanna do, stupid or not, it ain't none of my business.

But a tax-supported entity, which actually serves a mostly-useful purpose in being a clearing house for epidemiology-related issues? They have a duty to perform, and it's not to be funny or even "interesting". This zombie thing is not just wrong-headed, it's inexcusable. Being the life of the party is somebody else's job, and somebody else's dime. I'm serious when I say this a firing offense for the CDC Director.

*Collaborating to create the expertise, information, and tools that people and communities need to protect their health – through health promotion, prevention of disease, injury and disability, and preparedness for new health threats.
Jum said…
Heh. The thought of being chased by zombies reminds me of the old joke about two guys who see a huge grizzly bear come charging at them from 50 yards away.

As one guy calmly leans down to tighten his shoelaces, the panicked other guy cays, "What are you doing?! Let's get up a tree! You don't seriously think we can outrun this bear, do you?"

And the guy with the nice tight shoes says, "No, bears climb trees even better than they run. But I don't have to outrun the bear: I just have to outrun you."

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